You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2007.
Not only is my life consumed by a nearly-15-year-old narcissist, but my computer is afflicted as well.
Every time I flip open my laptop, there’s a new batch of self-portraits for my viewing pleasure. (Or your viewing pleasure if you feel like clicking on the picture for a closer look.)
I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t do something wrong. (Shut up. I mean, apart from all those other wrong things I’ve done.) (You know, something really wrong.)
Like all those times when she was four years old and stood in front of the full-length mirror admiring her shiny long hair. "I’m so pretty, huh Mommy?" she’d ask, not really waiting for the answer that she already knew to be true.
Or the time when she was six and wished her hair was blonde and her eyes were blue, and I had to remind her that nobody’s skin was as flawless, or had eyes as shiny or hair as long and thick. And she said, "Yes, you’re right! I do have shiny eyes!"
If you think this is a lot of self-portraits, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
This is just a small sampling of what lies in this computer.
I think I might have to resort to hiding the camera. It’s either that, or send her to rehab.
"Mommy, did I tell you that Johnny is a major freak?"
"I thought Johnny was your friend. Why would you say he’s a freak?"
"I didn’t say he’s a freak. I said he’s a MAJOR. FREAK."
In the two weeks (TWO WEEKS?! It seems more like two years) since Bailey and I returned from Oklahoma, my life has been a non-stop blur.
I started to give you a run-down but ended up with several shabby paragraphs of gigantic run-on sentences and a few dozen ill-placed commas. In an attempt to spare you, I will instead present my last two weeks in bullet points. HOW CLEVER OF ME!
I’ll even title my little bullet point soiree: WHY THE LAST TWO WEEKS SEEM MORE LIKE TWO YEARS
· I turned 36. According to my sister (who is much older and much wiser, and also is celebrating her birthday today. Happy Birthday!), this is the year that it all goes to hell. Seeing that I’ve spotted a few gray hairs over the last several months, she might be right.
· I’ve taken two business trips, attended more meetings than I can remember and have been busier at work than I should be.
· The girls and I rearranged the house and cleaned out the computer room because I could not stand the HORROR of it all. (Now that it has been at least six days since that happened, the horror is creeping up on me again. There is no escape.)
· I’ve spent hours chasing my damn dog around the neighborhood, which makes me believe that he is possessed. I am sick of this game, dog. DO YOU HEAR ME?
· I’ve taken Bree to several physical therapy sessions for her ankle that just does not want to heal, and massaged Bailey’s back when she pulled a muscle and couldn’t move over the weekend. Also, I’ve transported them to a total of 20 separate practices at both their schools and the Volleyball Club (actually, I can’t take full credit for this as The Tall Dark Handsome One has helped out too.)
· I’ve worked through addition and subtraction problems EVERY NIGHT with Janey because she insists that they won’t let her into fourth grade until she knows this stuff. She even begged me to buy her some ridiculous learning system she saw on an infomercial, and that if I didn’t buy it for her, she wouldn’t be smart and HOW WOULD I LIKE TO HAVE A BABY THAT IS NOT SMART, HUH? To this I told her not to worry, she has to go to kindergarten, first, second and third grade before they’ll let her be a fourth grader. Besides, she has every single episode of Spongebob Squarepants memorized, how could she not be smart?
· I’ve been desperately trying to keep up with my makeup website, which has blown me away with over 13,000 visits per week. (If you’ve been visiting Makeup Bag, thank you!)
· We bought a restaurant.
· And, according to the email I received yesterday from my other new boss (the one that is tall, and dark, and handsome) I have two weeks to put together a marketing plan and to please let him know if he can provide me any information to expedite the process. (I’m not kidding. He totally sent me that email.)
· We take over on March 1st, which means that since we’ll be at volleyball tournaments for three weekends in February, this gives us ONE MEASLY LITTLE WEEKEND to get it in order.
· Between all of this, I need to find time to walk the dogs, go to the gym, and do laundry (because you have no idea how much laundry we do!) Also, we must eat every now and then. (Especially the one that has weighed 34 pounds for the last two years no matter how many slices of toast with butter she eats. Or licks.)
See what I mean? It could have been two years.
